You cannot surrender to your pleasure when your body is tense. An essential part of your path to sexual liberation is relaxing your nervous system which means to release stuck emotions and trauma from your body – especially from your heart and your womb.
Yesterday evening I felt quite disconnected from myself because of lack of sleep in the past few days and an overwhelm of all the new things happening in my life. Every time it’s just too painful to be in my body, I just leave her a bit and stand next to her as it were. I do this to being able to function and of course, to avoid dealing with my pain. However, self-care has the highest priority for me in order to do the work I do in the world. Thus, I set time and space aside in the evening to coming back home to truly feeling myself again with everything that was present – with all the pain.
Since I am a deep feeler, it happens very quickly for me to slip out of my body and be in disconnection with my emotions and physical sensations. In the back of my mind, I always know it leads me to a big crash if I wait for too long to get back into connection with myself.
And yesterday evening, I knew there were several layers I had to work through in order to feel sensual and sexual pleasure. The work I do with my clients, I also do with myself.
I sat down and allowed myself to feel. To first just become aware of everything that was present. I welcomed it into my space – no matter how uncomfortable. Very quickly, I knew it was my inner little girl that was in pain and needed my attention. I visualized her sitting on my lap and let her express her sorrow. I held her and cried her tears. That was the first layer that cracked open to coming closer to myself again. She needs to be in board – she needs to feel safe and loved – in order for me to continue.
I felt my heart softening and opening. I felt released after crying her tears.
After that, I prepared my room. I closed the curtains, lit candles and burned some rose incense. I took a shower and sat down on my bed again. Again just feeling myself. I began caressing my skin and then went into a breast massage ritual to clear any other stuck emotions blocking my heart center. I released stress from the past days and let go of worries. That was the second layer. I felt how tension was being released from my head space and I could feel myself anchoring into my physical form – into my own flesh, bones and blood. I became aware of the ground underneath me and that Mother Earth is carrying and supporting me. I arrived at a place of relaxation.
From there I could go further exploring my uterus and ovaries. I just placed my hands onto my lower belly and felt into feminine center. I listened carefully and allowed intuitive movement, touch and sound to arise from within. I started massaging my vulva and sensed that there was even more tension wanting to be released. I continued and surrendered to the process with all of my presence and love. That was the third layer.
When I felt my yoni is ready to being entered, I circled my fingertips around her opening and went inside millimeter by millimeter – exploring every single part of my inner vaginal canal. Only when I am in the here and now, I can feel the sensations. When I reached my cervix (usually I can’t reach her, but since I am premenstrual she came a bit more down – she stays a bit lower in the period right before and after bleeding) I could feel quite a painful point – it felt like an open wound. I stayed present with my emotions arising and sent all of my love into this point. I used my breath to help letting go of the pain. I received memories of when the wounding was happening and sent forgiveness to this incident. That was the fourth layer I stayed with for quite a while. And it was the last layer that finally let me arrive to feeling pleasure.
Every single time I do this process, it’s different and I never really know what’s awaiting me beforehand. It’s self-exploration and self-healing. Usually you first have to go from numbness through pain to arrive at pleasure.
When I first went on this path of rewilding and coming back home to truly feeling myself, I had so much numbness in my Yoni that I got quite frustrated and questioned if it made any sense to continue at all. But something inside of me kept me going and I am very grateful now that I did.
It’s a lot about patience, continuity, forgiveness and love.
If I can accompany you on your path of rewilding and sexual healing, check out my offering here.