As I was mentioning in my masterclass A WOMAN’S WAY HOME on Sunday, I took one whole year off of dating any men. It was at the end of 2015 when the smear test at my gynaecologist in Berlin was positive with HPV (HPV = human papillomavirus, some types are known to cause cervical cancer) and I realized that there was something going on within my body – in my yoni – that I was not conscious of. It shocked me.
How can I not know what’s going on 50 cm below my head in my body?
It was the year of my awakening – BIG TIME. I still worked at a big worldwide known accounting company I absolutely hated – dragging myself from burnout to burnout. I experienced the worst love suffering of my whole life and tried to overcome it with a summer of excessive dating, just to enter the next toxic relationship again. Later that year, above all, I started my yoga teacher’s training and with that everything in my life was turned around and I started perceiving visions of my purpose. My yoni had to play a central role in it. That was for sure.
I started analyzing what the HPV virus was about as I knew that every physical ailment disease is a mirroring manifestation of what’s going on within me emotionally, energetically and spiritually.
I came to the realization that the cervix is like a border between the external and a woman’s inner world. Her womb is her sacred temple from where she birthes her creations into existence, but I didn’t treat my womb like that. I had no idea of her tremendous role in my life as a woman. I just let everything in. There was no protection, I didn’t guard my sacred temple, I was not conscious about what and who I let in. I hardly ever said no.
This realization first made me cry many tears I had not cried for years. Finding out that I let almost everything and everyone cross my borders without checking in with myself, with my body, with my heart. Always desperately seeking for love in the external. Never nourishing or loving myself.
Accordingly, the end of this year was incredibly emotional, challenging, but absolutely game-changing. I cancelled my “safe” job after 8 years of working in the corporate world and I quit my relationship. I was confronted with a lot of resistance from family members, colleagues and friends. It was my own resistance which I had to face first in order to be in charge of my own life again.
That’s why I also set the intention to not date any men for one whole year. I just wanted to be with me, myself and my yoni. I needed this time to explore myself sexually on my own and to start building a relationship with my yoni so that she could regenerate herself and feel held and loved again. A lot has shifted since that. My boundaries got clearer and stronger. The men I attract are different now. But first and foremost, my yoni feels safe again.
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