Four years ago, a big underlying pattern that kept me small for almost my entire life and made me not step up in my soul business became conscious to me.
I was already two years into my purpose work and spent night and day journeying with my soul remembrances, studying and practicing my own teachings. I would not be very visible in the external, clients would come to me through referrals, not public offerings. I didn’t exist on Instagram with my work, I didn’t even have a personal Facebook account. I kept everything very hidden and small, though the healing experiences for my clients were profound. I worked a lot for free and would overstep my own boundaries of excessive giving.
After some time, a moment arrived when I would see my clients as well as other soul business entrepreneurs around me would put themselves out there, fully shine in their greatness and offer their work publicly with immediate success.
I still remember this moment when my body fully contracted and shrinked in the sensation of jealousy that I felt. All those thoughts of “How is it possible that everyone else is so confident and successful with their work? What do they have that I don’t have? What is wrong with me? Why is it so easy for them and so hard for me? It’s not fair.”, etc. kept spinning in my head.
I was so ashamed of feeling jealous, I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to feel free in sharing in the joy of others, especially of my clients. There was so much shame in feeling that way which almost made me shy away from facing this issue.
However, I kept feeling and began digging in my inner trauma landscape. As always, it’s somewhere deep in the tissues.
As I allowed myself to stay with this feeling of jealousy, I received the first hint. I was put back to school time when I was a teenager and had the exact same contraction and shrinking sensation. I always had very good grades in the written exams, but during the lessons I would rarely put my hand up to say something. I knew the answer to the teacher’s question, but mostly would not be able to raise my hand and say it out loud.
Then, when it came to the final grades for the report at the end of the year, I would always be disappointed when both the written as well as the oral grade would make up 50% of the final one in the report.
Again, I was reminded of this feeling that it is unfair that my true knowledge is not reflected on the paper, in the external. I felt treated unjustly.
I continued digging deeper and finally, arrived at a moment in grammar school when I was about 8 years old. I still remember it very vividly. We sat in class and were given the grades for our artwork out loud. The teacher would stand in the middle of the room, hold up an artwork, name the student and announce the grade out loud for the student to come and pick it up.
When it was my turn and the teacher would give me the best grade saying it out loud with a lot of excitement so that everyone could hear it, there was an immediate backlash from my classmates. They were like “It was clear that you would get the best grade again. As always. You are always the best, such a nerd.” and they started bullying and ridiculing me in very nasty ways. This was not the first time, but this was a peak moment.
I ran home in tears and said to my mum that I would never go back to school again. Instead of empowering me, activating my warrior skills and standing above what happened, she felt so ashamed of me being bullied that she suggested changing schools. I remember she even called another school that afternoon. (And bless my mum! She did the best in her awareness and ability in her attempt to help me at that time.)
What happened was that my classmates’ jealousy became my own jealousy in my adult life.
Hitherto, my inner child didn’t feel safe to shine in her greatness. She would rather hide.
She was afraid to be bullied, to lose friends.
When I realised this four years ago, I time traveled back to this moment at grammar school and stepped into the scenario to change the course. I helped my inner little girl to stay with these intense sensations in her body, to not leave herself, to breathe deeply. I told her that nothing in the world is able to keep her from shining her light. That no matter the circumstances around, no matter what other people think or say to her, that it is her birthright to live her talents. And that the right people who truly love her, will never leave her, but support her.
I kept staying with her, holding her hand until she could feel her inner strength again and calmness and peace would enter her body.
Because of this childhood trauma, of being bullied, ridiculed and abandoned by my peers, my inner child was still trapped in victimhood mode which made me as an adult externalise and project my own lack of confidence and self-responsibility to successful people which in turn, resulted in feeling treated unfairly and jealous of them.
All my inner girl needed was to feel safe in being herself in her full greatness.
Do you see how much societal conditioning, ancestral trauma (my mum) and inner child wounding is entangled in this pattern? I kept it short to not go too far, but this is an example of how our inner trauma landscape affects our adult life, especially when it comes to stepping out of the system and following your dreams.
I wish for you to not feel ashamed of your jealousy or any other emotion that comes up on your path of living your purpose. I wish for you to stay with the feeling and let it guide you to its root cause in order to understand yourself and heal.
Your inner child needs and wants to be on board, as well.