KUNDALINI – A PERSONAL ANALYSIS

First and foremost, I’m writing these lines for myself. It took me over a decade to understand what was happening with my body and psyche when I first encountered the force of this primal energy of consciousness that burns everything that’s in the way of living my highest truth.

From a state of psychosis – which showed up for me as a feeling of total disconnection from Source – to bliss and total oneness with the Earth and the Universe I’ve experienced various colors of HER felt appearance – of the KUNDALINI SHAKTI.

This article is a personal analysis which means that these lines offer you to take a seat in my individual perspective arena. In brief: Take what resonates with you and leave the rest.

THE NATURE OF KUNDALINI

In my understanding and physical experience, the Kundalini energy is our primal life force energy that every human being on Earth is equipped with. Some ancient traditions refer to her as a coiled up serpent (Sanskrit: kundalini – lit. ‘the curl of the lock of hair of the beloved’) that is dormant at the base of the spine (Muladhara). Be that as it may, in fact, if she would be 100% dormant in us, we would not be alive.

However, what it actually means is that there’s so much more potential in us, when this force of energy is set free. We may only experience some sparks of her power that make us feel more alive in some moments in our life, but if the path is paved for her to flow freely, we are on our journey of awakening big way without a return ticket. And yet, it’s not a linear path. She goes and comes in waves – taking us higher and higher on the spiral of evolutional transformation and expansion of consciousness that wants to be integrated into our physical body.

What keeps us from having full access to her are all of our layers of conditioning and trauma we store in our system since lifetimes. All she wants is to remind us who we really are in our core and live for what we came here for – to be in our original state of orgasmic, creative and interconnected beingness.

THE AWAKENING

A Kundalini awakening can be triggered by drugs, an accident, a near-death experience, severe trauma, a crisis, an orgasm or in a more gently evolving way by following spiritual practices over time. However, I feel that a human being who would experience or pursue none of these, but is dedicated to live their life from a place of heart-felt truth, will eventually experience the awakening of their primal life force energy as a nautral unfolding.

For some it’s a gradual awakening, for others it’s an instant hit when the inner pressure cooker is boiling for quite a while. Even though, I would recommend the gradual way (from a health perspective), sometimes it needs a sudden slap – also depending on what we signed up for when we incarnated and which baggage we carry from past life times and the ancestral lineages we chose for this life as well as the DNA percentage of our galactic heritage (as we might be already more subtle and sensitive in the density of the Earth plane).

TRAUMA & THE NERVOUS SYSTEM

What I’ve observed is that people who have a severe trauma background are more likely to awaken to their primal force – no matter if it’s ancestral, stemming from past/ parallel lives or from this current life. This assumption includes many different factors. The crucial one is the nervous system.

Trauma creates a freeze or fight-or-flight response in the body which leads to a constant activation of the sympathetic nervous system that is responsible for keeping us in a high readiness for survival while the parasympathetic which is the rest-and-digest mode becomes very hard to access. The high stress and overstimulation of the sympathetic initiates strong hormone secretions in the glands, changes the brain chemistry and can eventually lead to a total break-down (later more about the actual “break-through” and the role of “choice”) which triggers the Kundalini to rise and take over.

Mostly, an awakening of the Kundalini Shakti is induced by a combination of several factors – we might be aware of or not. In any case, it all comes down to the strength of our nervous system.

THE FIRE OF LIFE

After an awakening, we have to understand that our life will never be the same again.

She is pure fire. Literally. A fire that burns everything that is not in alignment with our truth. And we all know how many layers of falsehood, ignorance, shame, guilt, dishonesty and violation lay on top of our true core essence. She doesn’t care how painful or in contrast, how effortless it is to shed these layers and come back home to who we inherently are. She pushes us to see through the illusion we grew up in, take self-responsibility for our actions and reclaim our sovereignty as a human being.

Someone who calls her to rise, is someone who needs to look right into the eyes of their own abyss and be ready to tidy up – big way and without any compromises.

In the Western world where there’s very little or none spiritual understanding of our existence, it can be quite challenging to trust this process and the possible madness that comes along with it as we most likely become pathologized in a state of active Kundalini.

At this point, I want to slide in my personal story and relationship with this energy as I grew up in exactly this “non-spiritual” environment that led me to be a total atheist in absolute denial of any higher forces throughout my whole teenage years.

FIRST ENCOUNTER

When I was 19, a friend invited me for a trip to the Netherlands (something quite common to do when you are German and freshly get your driver’s licence). A non-negotiable part of this adventure was to stop at a so-called “coffee shop” in Amsterdam and get a piece of “cake” (with namely unknown ingredients, but in the knowing that there were some kind of drugs in it). It was my birthday and we ate the cake in our hotel room. A few hours later into the night, I woke up with nausea, heat and panic in my body and totally freaked out. I had no idea what was happening to me. Whereas my friend who ate the same cake didn’t have any strong sensations (which tells a lot about the difference in our nervous systems), I seriously wanted to jump out of the window and kill myself because I couldn’t bear the trip. I was in total terror and fear and resisted any surrendering. All my channels exploded. I was unable to handle any of it.

I totally suppressed this event and never told anyone about it. I pretendedly erased it from my memory.

Only now, I can comprehend that the heat and the expansion of my consciousness that I perceived as too overwhelming were symptoms of the awakening of my Kundalini that I wasn’t conscious of at that time.

From there, I was slowly sliding into insomnia and anxiety which led to depression and burnout within two years when I was 21 years old.

Taking a look at all of the circumstances and factors leading to my burnout, it requires a holistic approach. First of all, I need to take the state of my nervous system into consideration whose delicacy and even instability comes from various factors such as my epigenetics from my maternal ancestral lineage (suicide, rape, drug abuse), not being breast-fed as a baby, my own childhood traumas and the suppression of my emotions which led to a disconnection from my body as well as the enormous stress I put onto myself by studying and working full-time without any day off for years.

Especially, the ancestral trauma from my mother’s side was activated in my genes from this point in time which is something that I chose to release and heal when my soul decided to come into this life. Thus, it needed to be activated.

The sleepless nights in these years were full of me tossing and turning endlessly in heat, sweat, in terror and existential fears. It was physically absolutely exhausting and I wanted to end my life as I had no idea how to turn this energy off or circulate it through my body and didn’t even have a clue what it was, let alone that there was a possiblity to surrender to it. My depression got worse and I ended up in a 5min-conversation with a neurologist who put me on anti-depressants.

When I hit the lowest low, I had to take a break from studying and working and found myself sitting in a chair in my room totally numb from head to toe for two months. If someone would ask me how I was, just big tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Because there was no greater understanding of what was actually going on underneath the surface, I was completely pathologized by the doctors, my friends and my family. And this is the actual danger. Because it put me into a state of fear and that I would never live my life the way I wanted to again. I was labelled as mentally ill.

However, I found my own way through the help of meditation and energy exercises (mainly through QiGong) to reconnect to my feelings and body and stopped taking the anti-depressants which I was on for one year just within two weeks (which caused intense dizziness) because my will was so strong to regain power over my life again.

I heard my inner voice coming through and telling me to quit my studies and move to Berlin. No sooner said than done. Thus, my actived life force energy eventually led me to realise my childhood dream of living in a big city and break with all the societal dogma of following a traditional career path.

In these first two years of my awakening, I became very sensitive towards energy. E.g. when I still was studying Health Economics which also included lectures held by pharmacists, I always had to leave the room because I would get nauseous. The primal intelligence inside of me already knew this wasn’t my path and yet, my conditioned mind couldn’t understand the correlations and kept me in a belief that there was something inherently wrong with me. I didn’t trust my body’s sensations and labelled them as sickness.

LIFE SHIFT

It wasn’t only until three years later in Berlin, that for the first time I read the term “Kundalini” on a schedule of a yoga studio. In all of these three years, I still experienced phases of insomnia, high nervousness and anxiety. I had difficulties to calm down and would always be interested in experiencing something new and doing something radical. I worked for a big accounting firm and would regularly fall into a burnout in the busy seasons.

The pulse of this life force was so high in me, I didn’t know how to handle it. And how could I when I had no idea what it actually was?

One year prior to me stumbling into that yoga studio for my first Kundalini Yoga class, I got rid of the birthcontrol pill that I was on for eight years. This whole process triggered a big shift in me feeling myself in my body again and detoxifying from this pill as well as from the anti-depressants back when I was 22. I dealt with a huge hormonal chaos showing up as mood swings, anxiety, sleeplessness, hair loss, acne and digestion problems.

The word “Kundalini” on that schedule captivated me in all of its mysticism. The first class with all its dynamic meditations and breathwork was a revelation to me and I had a huge heart opening that brought me to another big life change which in short was about quitting my corporate job, leaving my boyfriend, my apartment and most of my belongings behind to go off with a one-way-ticket to India. I’m still getting goosebumps thinking about this time as it led me to experience the most miraculous travel adventures and personal growth.

All in all, even though I had no idea that this energy was magically working through me, it brought me onto the path of deconditioning from false belief systems, reconnecting to my inner child, my sexuality and following my dreams. At the same time, I was still faced with long periods of sleepless nights and a high stress level. I experienced several Dark Nights of the Soul that were followed by big life shifts.

Right before I left Germany, I graduated from the Kundalini Yoga Teacher’s Training which lasted 9 months and in which I received the first remembrances of my purpose. As I indulged myself into several kriyas and meditations long-term, I felt the Kundalini energy pulsating in the palms of my hands.

It all felt like an intense rollercoaster – only going either high up or very low down with very little breaks in between.

I intuitively was led to do several cleanses and detoxes with my physical body to free up the blockages to let the energy circulate more freely. Additionally, I moved my body more (yoga, dancing), tried to eat intuitively, connected to my sexuality and was outside in nature with bare feet to directly connect to the electromagnetic field of the Earth.

DIFFERENT PHASES – RECOMMENDATIONS

When the Kundalini is highly active and you feel her rushing through your body, find a safe space where you be undisturbed and lie down. Try to surrender to her movements, breathe deeply and remind yourself that she flows to all the parts in your body that need healing and release. It might be beneficial to have someone on your side who knows what’s going on and who can support you.

Sometimes a heart expansion phase follows in which you might feel very low in energy and weak. Here it’s important to really listen to your body and rest as much as you can. Yin Yoga to release tension and blockages from the connected tissues and pranic breathing are great practices for it. When realisations and insights come through, journalling is a great way to process and integrate them.

The so-called Dark Nights of the Soul are inevitable and of course, they are the most challenging. The Kundalini Shakti sends you through a rebirthing process. You have to shed the old in order to birth the new. And this is uncomfortable. In fact, Kundalini is love and unconditional love always shows us the way to truth. When you are in a state of fear and resistance and hold onto your former condition, the process is very painful and can cause secondary psychosomatic damage.

When you don’t have a support system of people around you who understand what’s going on and who went through this themselves, it’s difficult to use these phases as a rebirthing and come out the other side.

We can go down the road of pathologizing it as a psychosis, a depression or whatsover and sometimes even end up in hospital. And there are many circumstances which make it seemingly impossible to surrender to this force because you might have children you have to care for or generate an income. You have to “function” in a way. And when there’s no inner understanding and external support, these states feel absolutely threating, scary and dangerous. A temporary medication can conquer these phases until more stability is created to go through the inevitable transformation process that requires a holistic approach on the emotional, mental, physical, energetic and spiritual level.

That’s why I refrain from actively provoking this force (through drugs, plant ceremonies, certain spiritual activations) and promote for a natural unfolding as you are shedding your layers of conditioning and releasing your ancestral, personal and collective traumas from your system. Your life force energy is already yours.

However, for some people (and I believe to be one of them) the more “forceful” way is part of them being initiated into their gifts. Especially, when you came here to walk the path of the shaman and help other people through these processes, you must have experienced your own abyss as well as the abyss of the human collective. A shaman needs to have a wider capacity to hold the spectrum of the dark and of the light. The Dark Nights of the Soul are initiations. And a shaman knows how to receive the gifts in the darkness, shift energies and come out into the light. A shaman doesn’t neglect the shadows. A shaman is a master of metamorphosis.

After a Kundalini awakening, you have the sensation of being stretched in holding both sides of the spectrum of the human experience on Earth – the darkness and the light.

In all cases, I always recommend to listen to the insights you receive about your health, your food intake and just in general, about your lifestyle and act upon them. Spend more time in nature and walk barefeet. Learn how to move your emotions through and get support in releasing trauma holistically from your body to restore your nervous system and activate the parasympathetic to hold this immense energy. Find someone who went through this process themselves and can support you.

I also recommend to especially work with your sex area as for most of us, our genitals hold on to the most trauma passed on by our ancestors throughout all those past thousands of years of the suppression, violation and condemnation of our sexual nature. When the Kundalini Shakti merges with the sexual energy in our sacral, it becomes the most potent creative force on Earth that lands souls on the planet. It is highly important to do the sexual healing work for a powerful and pleasant awakening.

Especially sensual touch, breath, sound and movement is something that I found to be the greatest medicine to restore my nervous system as the vaginal (especially cervical) stimulation activates the vagus nerve which represents the main component of the parasympathetic nervous system.

Furthermore, learn how to consciously channel this energy into your projects, business, artwork and relationships.

AYAHUASCA & ORGASM

My so far most pleasurable Kundalini experience was one year ago when I sat in my Ayahuasca ceremony with the intention to release anything that keeps me from being in my purpose. I had a six-hour journey with all of my channels open and after two deaths experienced a full-body orgasm beyond the veil. The week after, I experineced spontaneous orgasms for seven days throught the day and night time. I was completely painfree in my body and felt the most sensual ever in my whole life. I felt how the Universe was making love through me and I knew that this is our original state of being – our birthright. We are orgasmic when everything is shed.

This immense pleasure is triggered when the Kundalini energy merges with the sexual energy in our sacrum. Since I did a lot of womb work and sexual healing, it was just natural for it to occur through the invocation of Grandmother Ayahuasca.

SHAMANIC INITIATION

My most recent Kundalini awakening depicts the biggest initiation on my path so far. Assumingly innocently, I laid a tarot spread to ask for what my next step in life is and the cards told me that would stand right before another shamanic initiation. I put the cards to the side and had no I idea what in fact was awaiting me.

I felt quite burned out. My sympathetic nervous system was on alert and I felt something coming that would change my life. The week after I found myself in a cacao ceremony which provoked a huge heart opening and led me to a bliss experience. My Kundalini energy dwelled in my heart and I was dancing outside in the grass in pure ecstasy. The Earth Kundalini travelled up my feet into my spine and out of my crown where the cosmic energy would come down from the Universe entering my body and merging with my Kundalini in my womb. I was in bliss. In oneness with the All-that-is.

Later that night, I woke up with a burning sensation. Huge energy balls were forming in my palms. I felt I couldn’t hold them anymore and intuitively put one hand onto my heart and the other onto my womb. I felt the fire burning and was covered in sweat from one second to the other. My consciousness expanded, but this time let me feel all of the blockages and traumas in my body at once. Even though my inner voice told me to trust and let the energy move all to those parts in my body that needed healing, I was overwhelmed, disconnected and went into a state of psychosis.

At this point, I received the message from Spirit that my initation has now begun. That I should remind myself of the cards I pulled and that my task is now to pull myself out of the psychosis on my own. I felt so much emotional and physical pain at the same time like only when I sat in my Ayahuasca ceremony going through the death. I felt the total separation from Source and thought I would never land back on Earth again. However, I knew I had to go through it. That it was part of my path of evolving into my purpose. For five days I directly applied everything I learnt in the field of trauma release, embodiment and nervous system restoration. I had no other option than to surrender to this process. In fact, I was in terror.

I first worked with the archetypes of the primal masculine and the warrior to cut through the illusion and then invoked the sensual woman as she made me realise how pleasurable it can be to be a human being on Earth. She made me come back.

After these five days of intense inner work, I had pulled myself out of this state. Still I was very fragile. A huge heart expansion phase followed in which I was unable to move. I had the weakest arms and shoulders. I surrendered and only did Yin Yoga for almost four weeks.

CHOICE

What is important to understand here is that we have a CHOICE. As I said we can go down the road of pathologizing it (and sometimes it might be the “right” road temporarily to take medication), but we can also use it as a chance to get rid of a ton of bullshit that we have been carrying with us for eons. However, it needs a spritual understanding, it needs a willingness to listen to our body’s needs (especially in relation to rest and food) and in the best case, a support system of people who know what’s going on around us.

The Kundalini Shakti burns everything that’s not our truth. She brings up all of the numbness and pain of the trauma we store in our body. She is pure fire. She cleanses us from the inside out without any compromises.

For a human being who has an embodied understanding of the Kundalini energy, who reached a certain degree of maturation as well as developed a skill set to work with different states of consciousness and knows about the nervous system and how to release trauma from the body can gracefully master their active awakening phases. Then, a sudden slap becomes a break-THROUGH that faces us with taking the choice to use it for becoming who we truly are in our core and reclaiming our birthright of orgasmic and creative beingness.

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