The past few months I’ve been going through another phase of the Dark Night of the Womb on the next higher level on the spiral of transformation and evolution.
I call the Dark Night of the Womb a stage on our journey that is related to our untamed wildness, ecstatic aliveness and sensual expression of our inherent sexual nature. I was consciously asking for this because I know it’s written in my script for my purpose on Earth and I would not proceed without. And yet, I was bowled over by the intensity. The loss of spiritual orientation, the confusion, the absence of time and space in the cold of the darkness and this overwhelming life-threatening feeling of unsafety.
I had thoughts of turning around on my path – of closing the doors to the mysteries and returning back to… I didn’t know to what. Nothing existed anymore.
I was faced with the historical, collective and my personal violation of the innocence of our eros – our inherent s.xual aliveness and wisdom. I felt the lump in my throat that made me unable to express myself for centuries. I was confronted with past lives where I was the perpetrator. I felt my mother’s shame when I started bleeding. I let the pain of rape consciousness wash through my ancestral line to release it down into the Earth. I held my own hand when I time travelled back to my first sexual encounters as a teenager. And so much more.
It’s a brave journey and today I’m acknowledging this for myself.
Even in these days when I write and post about this, I get an old icky feeling which I know is not mine, but hasn’t fully disappeared yet. It’s my inner teenage girl who was repelled by her friends when she talked about her curiosity for sexuality. I always knew there was more to it and that sex is not just a physical satisfaction and stress release or something to please a partner with. I always knew that my yoni was a portal to something that I hadn’t experienced yet, but I knew existed.
And I remember the tears of grief that rolled down my cheeks when I first started reconnecting with her. I had not only abandoned her for this life, but for many others.
My heart showed me the way. Only through the abundant flow of the love in my heart my wounds could dissolve back into the innocence of my eros.
The relationship I now have with my yoni is what I am most grateful for. Even though these past few months of another Dark Night of the Womb let me break down to the bottom of my psyche for most of the days, I am grateful that I rediscovered the doorway of light of the Great Mother and feel home in my womb like never before.