Mamma Ayahuasca, I love you. I am grateful for what you have done for me.
It was Friday afternoon, May 15th in 2020, when *Hilmo picked me up to drive to the house of him and his wife *Diana (*names are changed due to safety reasons) where the ceremony would take place. I was the only one. “VIP-treatment” as Hilmo called it.
It was meant to be. Very quickly I had to make this appointment. All the invisible forces joined to make it happen.
I knew something big would lie ahead of me. Because I was so silent and calm. All day.
The Motherpeace Tarot gave me the card of the High Priestess. Apparantly a new initiation. The next milestone on my path of priestesshood.
I put my Aventurine Yoni Egg and my Shiva Lingam as symbols for the divine feminine and the divine masculine onto the altar that Diana had prepared so lovingly.
We started with a little breathwork session to begin opening up my body. I was floating heavenly in the ethers.
Hilmo joined the ceremony room and we opened up the circle. I spoke my intention seeing the Great Goddess in front of me: “Mamma Ayahuasca, I am here to heal my heart so that I can feel love for myself as well as the universal love for all of us to make the right decisions on my path in order to live my purpose in integrity and to be in service for humanity.”
Then Hilmo asked me to come to the altar to receive my glass of the Ayahuasca brew. I swallowed it all at once. It was bitter and acidic.
I sat back down on my place and we started toning sounds for our chakras – starting from the heart going all the way down to the root and then back up again until we reached the crown to again end at the heart. For the last few sounds I could already sense the nausea arising from my belly and right after the toning I had to ask for the bucket. The vomitting started immediately. All my senses got intensified. Mamma Ayahuasca started talking to me. Weaving her medicine through me. Uncompromisingly. This is what I had asked for, she told me.
For every vomit she let me know exactly what I was releasing.
MY HEART’S DESIRE
I became aware of my true and only heart’s desire: I want to serve.
I screamed inside of me “Mamma Ayahuasca, I wanna serve”, and beseeched her: “Please, take everything out of me that keeps me from serving!”. And she did. The vomitting was painful. It felt like dying. And every time I thought I was dying, she took it to the next extreme and let me die even more.
My nose was running, as well. Everything started to come out. The bucket was my best friend.
And I heard me yearning: “I wanna serve. I wanna serve. I wanna serve. What else do I need to let go of?” And Mamma Ayahusca continued with her work.
Every time I thought I could not take it anymore, she told me: “Surrender”. My lesson in surrendering began and it became my mantra. On all levels, she let me feel what it meant to really surrender and why this is the only way to end suffering. And I surrendered. Into the bucket.
After the vomitting, I lay down on a mattress. As I said, all my senses were intensified. The music in the background became so alive. I could feel the heat of the burning candles on the altar so closely. I could physically sense the cleansing powers of the white sage Diana was wagging with that I felt sick again. I surrendered.
Visions started to appear. So many colors and forms and patterns and textures. All moving, flowing weavingly together. Mamma Ayahuasca showed herself as a big dark green snake that came from my root chakra up to my throat. My whole body started trembling and shaking. I let it all happen. I enjoyed being moved by the snake.
She came through my throat that was burning from the acidity of the brew. Mamma Ayahuasca opened her snake’s mouth and so did I. She spoke through me. My throat was tremoring, my jaw was widening, my mouth and lips were opening. So big. I understood that me living my purpose means to clear the blockages in my throat to express my creations freely out into the world. I was aware of the connection between my Yoni and my throat. Everything made sense.
I couldn’t articulate myself with my voice. Instead I was shaking, shivering and toning sounds. It was all so physical. My whole body was in this journey. I was really made aware of that I was in a human body and that I fucking have to honor her. Care for her.
MY PURPOSE & SEXUAL REVOLUTION
I asked Mamma Ayahuasca to show me my purpose. And she did.
Suddenly a huge wall of thousands of pictures of yonis started to appear. Yonis in all kind of forms and shapes. They were moving their vulva lips. And I understood. She demonstrated it so obviously and directly to me. She really wanted me to comprehend that I am already on my path by showing me all these yonis. I understood.
And then I asked her: “But, Mamma Ayahuasca, would shall I do with all these yonis?” And she said: “If you wanna know, you need to lie down now and surrender.”
So I did. I felt her as the snake again. A warm beautiful sensation was starting in my yoni and flowed upwards. It was my sexual energy. That’s her. My Kundalini energy, my life force. I felt so much orgasmic pleasure running through my whole body. So warm. So sacred. So much love. I understood. It’s about reclaiming the orgasmic potential of my and of all yonis in the world.
I held back a bit because I knew Hilmo was still in the room and I didn’t feel comfortable to fully let go. Fortunately, he got the message intuitively and left the room. I felt the urge to touch my body, but it happened all energetically. Again, I felt resistance because of Diana’s presence, but Mamma Ayahuasca told me it’s okay to be witnessed by her. And I lay on this mattress experiencing the most blissful full body orgasm ever. Also this was all about surrender.
So much liquid warm pleasure! Wow!
I understood. This is my task. Teaching the women how to move their sexual energy from their yoni upwards to their heart and from there through their whole body so that they fully comprehend that everything is within. The relationship with our yoni is the mirror for our life. It’s the source from where everything begins. It’s the source of feeling sensually alive. Of feeling beautiful, sexy, healthy and vital. And that the reclamation of the sacredness of our sexuality leads to opening up to the unconditional love.
THE PHYSICAL BODY
Then, I asked her to show me how it feels like to fully embody the Great Goddess through me. And this was extremely powerful. I felt sensual, strong, graceful and wise. And I knew this is already all within me. This is what I am heading towards to embody in my everyday life.
It’s all about feeling. Every time I asked for my spiritual gifts, Mamma Ayahuasca brought me directly into the physical sensations of my body. It’s all about feeling it in the body. The body is the gateway to the higher truth. She made it clear: “Don’t bypass the body. Be in the body. This is where the magic happens. And this is your gift to the world. Bring the people back into their bodies.”
It was interesting to be conscious of everything. To be behind and in front of the veil at the same time. Hilmo and Diana were amazing. Their music helped me travelling with the plant.
Then a phase of detoxing started again. I needed to let go of my shame now. As there was nothing from my stomach coming out anymore, I let go through my saliva. I was spitting and spitting and spitting into the basket. It felt like never ending. I was looking at Diana and I felt so much shame that she was witnessing me in this. Immeditately, Mamma Ayahuasca spoke to me and told me that this is unnecessary shame I need to let go of if I wanted to live my purpose and be in service. So the shame was transformed to saliva again and I spit it into the bucket. Again and again. Diana needed to hand me one tissue after the other. For one ego death after the other. Then, silliness and laughter wanted to be expressed. It felt so silly to hang over this bucket and spit into it. Just the whole experience was something I needed to laugh about.
I was able to apply the lesson of surrender. And I made the full body experience how things become easier when I only surrender. More and more and more.
After all the pain and the understanding of my suffering, the phase of experiencing unconditional love followed. Mary Magdalene came and I could feel her love wrapped warmly around my heart. It was overwhelming. I surrendered.
In my visions, I saw the whole globe and how everything was beautifully connected and held in a web of unconditional love. The good and the bad. Everything. She showed me that it’s all a big play and everything happens in cycles. But that this is also a choice.
It slowly came to an end. Mamma Ayahusca was still working through me as this thick dark green snake letting my throat shiver, my mouth open widely and making my tongue hiss.
Then, Hilmo came and asked me if I wanted a second glass. Half of it. And my first reaction was “No, absolutely not.” And he said: “It’s important for your healing. For your self-love.” This got me and I walked to the altar to receive another half of a glass of this bitter acidic brew. I held it in both of my hands and asked Mary Magdalene to stand by me. It took a while until I felt the courage to swallow it. I knew this was going to be even more intense. I knew I needed to be very strong now.
I was sitting down again and started spitting into the bucket. After a few minutes, I felt this tremendous urge to vomit, but felt too weak to do it. I looked at Hilmo imploringly and said to him: “I can’t. I just can’t. It’s too much. I can’t take it.” And he came closer saying: “You need to be a warrior now.”
And the vomitting started. I thought I already had experienced death in the first round, but this was [blank] – I even cannot find words for it. I wanted to end my life. I felt so exhausted and weak. I was on all fours crawling over the bucket. And I was screaming desperately: “Help me!”
So much grief was running through me. I felt all my grief that was sitting in my womb and in my heart. It was so much that I thought I wasn’t able to handle it. Again, Mamma Ayahuasca told me with every vomit exactly what I was grieving about and finally, releasing into the bucket.
I layed down on the floor because I knew she wanted to come through my body as a snake again. Diana and Hilmo removed the candles so that the uncontrollable shaking of my whole body would not knock them over. I was screaming for help.
I started to cry through my eyes and my nose. All this grief.
I knew I needed to ask Mamma Ayahuasca why healing the yonis was my purpose. What is the big “why” behind all of this. And Mamma Ayahuasca took me through a journey to Africa. She showed me all these little girls who were for all those thousands of years and still are circumcised today. I saw all these little girls. And I sobbed. I couldn’t bear this pain. I was sobbing: “All these little girls. All these little girls. All these little girls.”. Mamma Ayahuasca reminded me that I took on their pain when I was reading the book “Desert Flower” by Waris Dirie when I was a very young teenager girl.
I sent healing love to all these little girls. I hugged the whole world and took them all to my chest to make them feel loved.
I made my way back to the mattress. The grief continued. And I saw my mum. I felt all of her pain and I was screaming: “Mama, your pain is too much!” I understood that I made it my task from a very early age on to take the whole pain of the whole world onto my shoulders. And thus, also the pain of my mother, of course. And the pain of her mother. All the depression in my ancestral line. I released them. I was crying like a little baby.
Diana started singing in her beautiful warm voice. She was humming and with that I could be with that pain and surrender to my tears. Mary Magdalene was with me holding my heart.
Then, I asked Mamma Ayahuasca to show me who I felt big love for and my niece appeared. My wonderful niece who was born just last year in August. I was the first visitor in the hospital and I felt so much gratitude for that gift. Mamma Ayahuasca made me aware of my feelings of guilt that I have left her in Germany for travelling and cannot see her growing up. Big tears were running down my cheeks. I cried a waterfall. And I also understood that I am on my mission for her, as well. I want her to grow up in a world where she as a woman feels safe and empowered. I could feel my immense love for her. It was beautiful.
I wanted to know more about my relationship with men now. I wanted to understand more about it and asked Mamma Ayahuasca to go through all of my relationships, but she was always referring me to my dad. She told me that the source of all of this is my relationship with my dad. All of the time he was just not able to be present and show up. I went into a forgiving process and finally, thanked him for everything he did for me. It felt so good. Thank you, dad.
Mamma Ayahuasca helped me to integrate my inner masculine. She brought him into the right side of my upper body. This was a very new feeling. And it still is. Unfamiliar.
THE LONELY COLD
During the whole ceremony my feet felt very cold until there was a point when they started to feel ice-cold so that I thought my toes would die off. I still couldn’t articulate myself, but I was desperatly asking Hilmo and Diana for a heating bottle. Then, Mamma Ayahuasca told me that it’s not about getting a heating bottle, but that it’s time now to dive deeper into the root cause of my lifelong cold feet. She started showing me the image of my inner little girl who is hugging her knees to her chest with her freezing naked feet. Feeling all lonely and cold. And I understood that my cold feet are the feet of my inner child who doesn’t feel cared for. I asked for healing and suddenly, warmth was entering my feet I have never felt before. I had the warmest feet ever in my whole life. It felt so good to be all warm and cosy and secure.
I was brought back into my heart and united with Mary Magdalene’s energy and her unconditional love.
Slowly I was coming back to the ground sensing the room I was in.
I was ready to close the ceremony. All in all, the whole journey lasted around six hours.
My throat was still shivering and my mouth was still opening and closing uncontrollably. I felt like as if all of my body’s liquid was purged out into the bucket. No juices were left. Everything was dry and sore.
Mamma Ayahusca was still with me when I finally could articulate the most important messages that came through on this journey. It felt good to talk in front of Hilmo and Diana about my purpose and the sacredness of our sexuality. This needed to be voiced. It was part of the healing process. And how much all of this has to do with surrender.
Side note: The very next day when I opened my phone for the first time, I received a message from my sister sending me a video with my 9-month-old niece dancing for the first time. “This is my niece!”, I texted back. “Never stop dancing, baby girl! I love you!”