From a Gyno Visit to Self-love

This is a personal story I share with you because I feel it is valuable to tell you a crucial example out of my life how I dealt with a disease diagnosed by a conventional medical practitioner. Just to let you know, since I don’t believe in the mainstream medical approach I don’t go into any scientific discourses about this diagnosis I got from a gynecologist. I share it for inspiration, for broadening the horizon on how to look at things from a different perspective.

The year 2015 was a big one for me. I would say it was the time of my intense spiritual awakening with all its crazy dynamics. I still worked at a big accounting firm I absolutely hated – dragging myself from burnout to burnout. I experienced the worst love suffering of my whole life and tried to overcome it with a summer of excessive dating, just to step into the next manipulative relationship.

Deep inside of me I knew there would a big change soon. Everything was accumulating and by the last quarter of the year I already sensed a taste of my transformation, of my new life. I got introduced to Kundalini Yoga, a big remembering started to happen and suddenly, I was able to feel my heart again. To feel a connection, to listen to what it has to say. It was so new to me, but at the same time so familiar. As if I was put back to my childhood being in the body of the little girl I once have been.

And on top of that, I thought I needed to make my annual appointment at the gynecologist. Just to confirm that everything was alright. After the visit, I never expected her to call me back because this had never happened in my life so far. I was very confident. When she left me a message that there was a problem with my smear test on my answering machine a few days later, I immediately put myself into a big state of fear. In that moment, my whole body was shaking and my mind was creating many horror scenarios. I called her back and she told me that the lab found abnormal cells in my cervix. She said I would need to do an HPV test (HPV = human papillomavirus, some types are known to cause cancer). So I did this second test and again it was positive.

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Instead of going into a state of fear and panic again, I could literally see in front of my inner eyes how I stepped out from the 3-dimensional perspective on earth into the higher perspective of my soul. I put myself onto a cloud in the sky and looked down to see me in this body, in this environment, in these relationships, in this job. I knew I would use this diagnosis as a catalyst to change my life. I cannot continue to go on like that. It’s enough. Finally, I would use the intelligence of my body who gave me so many signs.

As everything physical in my reality is a manifestation of my thoughts and beliefs inside of me, I knew I had to discover what these abnormal cells in my cervix wanted to tell me.

I realized that the cervix is like a border between the outside world and my inner world. My womb is my holy place of love and wisdom. It is my sacred temple, but I didn’t treat it like that. I just let everything in. There was no protection, I didn’t guard my sacred temple, I was not conscious about what and who I let in. I hardly ever said ‘no’.

This realization first made me cry many tears I had not cried for years. Finding out that I let almost everything and everybody cross my borders without checking in with myself, with my body, with my heart. Always desperately seeking for love in the external. Never nourishing or loving myself.

I took this insight as a guide to take responsibility for myself again and to create a loving and fulfilling life.

Accordingly, the end of 2015 was incredibly exciting, emotional, challenging plus game changing. I started my Kundalini Yoga Teacher´s Training, I cancelled my job after 8 years of working in the corporate world and I quit my relationship. All this came completely out of my heart. It was anything but easy. I was confronted with a lot of resistance from family members, colleagues and friends. It was my own resistance which I first had to fight through. To be in charge of my own life again.

Additionally, I set the intention to close down my yoni, my sacred temple, for anyone else for one whole year. Therefore, I took the following year of 2016 just for my own love-making. I wanted my yoni to rejuvenate, to feel hold and unconditionally loved again. I felt like a guard standing at the holy temple doors and letting nobody in. And it worked.

It changed the game completely. After this year, especially the dynamics around romantic relationships towards men transformed because I changed the relationship with myself. Practicing self-care, reminding myself of accepting and loving myself in each and every moment brought me closer to my true essence within. It reconnected me with the flow of life, my soul task and made me able to see the beauty and magic on earth again.

Although I knew the outcome intuitively, after half a year, I did a check at the gynecologist again. The test was negative.

In the end, I learned from this story that a diagnosis or a disease can be a catalyst to change your life. That the body is actually your friend just calling attention to look what´s really going on in your life. There is nothing to regret. Every moment life gives you a new chance to bring yourself from darkness to light.


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